How do you discuss terrible things with your child? What are you supposed to say when you do not know all of the answers yourself? Parents across the country will likely be asking themselves these and other similar questions over the next month and a half as the year marker of the Sandy Hook school shooting incident takes hold of news stations from Maine to California. November newscasts will bombard us with images of victims, soundbites from 911 calls, stories of loss (as well as hope) and other continued news coverage right up to and through December 14th. It will be very difficult for you or your child to completely avoid hearing any mention of Newtown, Connecticut or Sandy Hook. Schools across the nation have already implemented lockdown drills, and it is likely the Sandy Hook school shootings will be discussed in school, though more likely in the halls among students rather than in the classroom. As adults, we can barely make sense of this tragedy and yet we have the responsibility of explaining it to our children and to other young people. How you choose to explain what happened or answer questions about the incident within your home is something you may want to think about as the month of November begins. There are countless resources available on the Internet about how to talk with your child about what happened, but save yourself the time and stress of searching though sites about what is the “best” thing to say and check out the trustworthy ones that are right here. Above all, remember what Mr. Rogers said many years ago, as it has since brought comfort to so many: “When I was a boy and I would see scary things in the news, my mother would say to me, “Look for the helpers. You will always find people who are helping.” To this day, especially in times of “disaster,” I remember my mother’s words and I am always comforted by realizing that there are still so many helpers – so many caring people in this world.”

As a parent, you are strongly encouraged to visit this website and listen to what our “neighbor” Mr. Rogers had to say:
http://www.fci.org/new-site/par-tragic-events.html

The bottom line and basic summary of what to say is the following:
1) Share age-appropriate information with your child if he or she asks. Relative ambiguity is appropriate with elementary school aged children, but when your middle or high school student asks other questions (the answers to which they can also look up online), answer the questions honestly and with as much factual information as you can. Children are good detectives and will find the answers anyway, so it’s best that if they come to you with the question, it is you who answers them honestly. Assure your child that these events are rare.
2) Keep the conversations short and redirect their attention after assurance of safety have been given. Elementary school aged children will likely ask a few factual questions that you can answer quickly followed by “It was a very sad thing, but you are safe. When you are sad, what makes you feel better?” This way, you are comforting your child yet redirecting them at the same time. Older children may have more questions or desire more discussion, but experts say not to drag out discussing the issue for hours on end, which can sometimes increase not diminish any anxiety.
3) Ensure you are honest with your child, but at the same time, provide comfort. Assure them that their questions and concerns are normal and that everyone has experienced difficulty in processing and understanding the tragedy. Comfort them with the fact that their school is doing everything possible to keep its students safe and that the people at school care very much for the children in it. Many experts state that what children really want out of these conversations is to feel comforted and safe, so give that assurance to them.

From Psychology Today, always a reliable, appropriate source:
Best quote: “Follow your child’s lead about how much to talk about the shooting. If your child doesn’t want to talk about it, that’s fine. You don’t have to push it.”
http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/growing-friendships/201212/talking-children-about-the-connecticut-school-shooting

Advice from a child psychiatrist:
Best quote: “The goal is to make a child feel safe and loved. “You want to make sure there aren’t feelings that … are going unaddressed and they are getting what they need,” she said.”
http://articles.chicagotribune.com/2012-12-16/news/ct-met-what-to-tell-kids-shooting-1216-20121216_1_sandy-hook-tragedy-child-psychiatrist-child-psychologist

From the Hartford Courant, a nicely worded and directly stated article (and one I actually read and referenced when talking with my students at the time of the shootings):
Best quote: “Make sure you are honest. Don’t tell them half-truths. Don’t just say everything will be OK, because that will undermine their actual fears and coping skills,” says Nicole DeRonck, counseling coordinator for Newington Public Schools and a past president of the Connecticut School Counselor Association (CSCA).”
http://articles.courant.com/2012-12-18/news/hc-talking-to-kids-newtown-sandy-hook-shooting-20121218_1_children-parents-sandy-hook

Great blog from the New York Times about how NOT to talk to your child about the shootings:
Best quote: “If one of my children asks, I’ll admit it. I’ll try to find a “brave thought” to back it up. And if (when) words fail me, I’ll remember that a hug sometimes says the only reassuring thing there is to say.”
http://parenting.blogs.nytimes.com/2012/12/15/how-not-to-talk-with-children-about-the-sandy-hook-shooting/?_r=0

Great article about talking to your child about tragedy (can be applied to more than just one incident):
Best quote: “Parents should emphasize the rarity of the event and limit television viewing. Images seen over and over give the impression that these events happen everywhere.”
http://articles.latimes.com/2012/dec/14/nation/la-na-kids-trauma-20121215

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